How To Talk With Someone Who Has Dementia – A common challenge faced by loved ones is how to communicate with a person with dementia. Communication is often strained or non-existent as we try to connect with someone we barely know.
These are all questions that come to mind when trying to talk to someone with dementia. Instead of a positive and optimistic feeling from a visit or appointment, we feel stressed and anxious.
How To Talk With Someone Who Has Dementia
I was changing MIL’s sheets. She asked me if she could help with anything. In a hurry and a little worried about redoing the task, I replied, “No, it’s easier and faster if I do it myself. You’re not strong enough and you’ll never remember how to do it.”
How Do You Talk Effectively To Someone With Dementia?
I remember my answer verbatim because I regretted it as soon as the words left my mouth. My response to his offer took an already offensive position and drove him into the ground with my thoughtless words.
Knowing how to care for and talk to someone with dementia can avoid further confusion and conflict. We have to learn new ways of communication. So how do we minimize confusion and conflict when talking to someone with dementia?
When talking to someone with dementia, it’s easy to fixate on them. We listen to them to conjure up memories or create new ones. The temptation to direct them to the truth is very strong. However, they are speaking the truth in their mind. Lies are rarely dangerous.
My MIL went into the kitchen and was convinced it was the end of the 18th century and we were living in Ireland. He read the book and it became real to him.
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Instead of trying to convince him that it’s 2017 and we live in Texas, I took out our potatoes for dinner and told him we should thank God we didn’t have another potato crisis. ! She soon forgot her delusions and life moved on.
When we argue, it not only convinces him, but it creates hostility and resentment. With dementia, you never know what he will remember the next day. I would hate for his memory to become an argument. When talking to someone with dementia, we have to work hard to enter their world and make sure to agree with their illusions.
When talking to someone with dementia, sometimes unintentionally and despite our best efforts, we come across a topic that causes tension or even an argument. In these cases, whether we want to reason or try to persuade our way out of an argument, our best course of action is redirection.
We have a Keurig coffee maker at home. We bought a refillable pod in an effort to save money because K cups are expensive!
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One morning I came into the kitchen and found that my mill had put raw rice and various spices in the pod. Instead of telling him why it was a mistake, I put out the coffee and asked if I could make him a cup. We avoided an argument and both got the morning coffee we needed more quickly.
Trust me, it makes me want to think. I often think that if I explain it differently, maybe this time he will understand. But the reality is that the demented brain no longer works that way. The reason is gone, so we have to find another way. So, redirection becomes our best strategy when talking to someone with dementia.
A common problem when talking to someone with dementia is that our words and actions can cause shame and humiliation for our loved one.
Dementia feels quite humiliating and embarrassing without our help. As difficult as it is when talking to someone with dementia, we must remember not to further humiliate our loved one.
Tips For How To Talk With Someone Who Has Dementia
My MIL had a huge accident in the bedroom. The night before, without my knowledge, he had taken a laxative and was done
Effectively. I wanted to impress upon her the importance of taking medicine properly, wearing underwear, paying attention to your body and more! However, if I lecture him, I will cause him more embarrassment and shame.
Instead I pulled out some fresh clothes and a towel and said there was no better way to start the day than a nice hot shower. I put her in the shower with running water and started cleaning.
When I was done, I helped her out of the shower and into the kitchen for breakfast. When she returned to her room she had no evidence or memory of the previous accident.
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This is a confusing time for your loved one. They feel that they are losing a part of themselves. They realize that they can’t do the things they used to find so easy. Why are they ashamed to feel less than the person they were?
A non-embarrassing handshake is reassuring when talking to someone with dementia. They need to know that you are there to support them and hold their hand (figuratively and literally) through this very dark illness.
Every few months we go through a phase where my MIL no longer feels the need to wear underwear. This means more accidents in bed and around the house.
The first of many times this happened, I lectured him about the need to wear underwear. I would question his motives, his thinking,
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Suggest to him the importance of wearing proper underwear. I went so far as to have her daughter, whom she adores, make “memorial signs” that I prominently place around the house.
I finally realized that the speeches were falling on deaf ears. Nothing I’ve said changes the fact that she doesn’t “automatically” see the need to wear underwear. I removed the signs, stopped lecturing, and often helped him into his underwear, reassuring him that incontinence was often an unfortunate part of aging.
When we sit down and talk to someone with dementia the first thing we do is try to recall old memories. We do our best to scrape away the remnants of this disease, just to catch a glimpse of the person we once knew.
It can be frustrating when your loved one can’t remember something that seems so obvious to you. My MIL confuses people and places. He forgets the name. She has not always known the home in which she raised her children. Sometimes he sees a picture of a famous person (past or present) in a book and creates stories around him.
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Sometimes I want to tell her that she never actually met Walt Disney in person. She was not even a close friend of Queen Elizabeth II. I want to ask him to remember his own history, but that part of his brain is being destroyed by dementia.
Talk about good times, travels, family and friends. Look at old photos and remember them. Not only have you created a happy moment for your loved one, but you’ve also created a wonderful memory for yourself.
One of the most frustrating parts of trying to talk to someone with dementia is the constant repetition. Questions will be asked again and again without you remembering. Statements will be repeated continuously and sometimes without a break.
It is very frustrating to repeat yourself over and over as if you are hearing it for the first time. It’s hard to control your anger when you answer the same question countless times. You try to cheer when they share the win more times than you can count. You want to run out of the room when instead of telling you a story, they repeat the same idea in a non-stop cycle.
How To Talk To A Parent With Dementia
When talking to someone with dementia, you need to remember that even if you repeat yourself to the point of frustration, this is the first time you’ve answered. When you respond with anger or mild irritation, they don’t know what they’ve done and may be hurt by your negativity.
When you talk to someone with dementia, they often express a desire to do things that you know would be difficult or impossible for them to do. We want to save them from the struggle and do it for them.
Someone with dementia loses a part of themselves every day. Telling them they can’t do something because it might be too hard for them, or because it’s easier if you do it yourself, will feel like a burden.
They can’t do anything. Some days my MIL can’t remember how to choose an appropriate outfit for the day and other days she is perfectly capable. You never know, so unless safety is an issue, always give them a chance to work for you.
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